Role of the H.U.N.G.K.I.E CEO.

I’m totally writing this blog as a backseat driver - giving my motoring opinions left, right and centre, without once touching the wheel whilst being over here!*

Unlike a standard backseat driver however, I have my own little job; I am the Help Us Not Get Killed In Europe Manager. I wear a massive badge and it says H.U.N.G.K.I.E CEO.

It’s a great job; shit pay but you don’t have to wear a uniform - other than a seat belt round your tits, but the belt is black so it goes with every outfit! As I said, there’s no money in it, but you do get a daily bonus - staying alive! Barclays don’t take staying alive credits as currency unfortunately so I can’t cash any of our daily living bonuses in. Shame, as we’re racking up quite a few now. 31 days of staying alive so far!

I perform my role as H.U.N.G.K.I.E CEO with the utmost enthusiasm, professionalism and dedication.

My main job is to assist Dave onto the European motorways. I do this by looking out my window, which is nearer the hurtling traffic coming towards us, therefore I can see the blind spot and any cars that may be too close to ours, and possibly be missed by Dave’s mirrors when he pulls away from the slip road. We act as a double act -the Batman and Robin of the Italian roads! Dave looks in the left wing mirror awaiting a safe gap and I poke my head out the window for a few seconds, like a curious dog- wind slapping me round the face, hair blowing in all manner of directions, while I look behind to the blind spot. When it looks safe, I quickly clear my throat (this gives me extra vocal force) and loudly belt out “CLEAR!” so Dave knows it’s safe to drive onto the motorway. Dave can see it’s safe from the mirrors anyway, but I’m an extra pair of eyes which is reassuring. And just incase Dave doesn’t hear me over the slappy happy wind, I shout it as loud as my lungs will possibly allow me to, about another 10 times. “CLEAR!” “CLEAR!” “CLEAR!” “CLEAR!” - and so forth.

By the time we get safely onto the motorway, it’s not just the wind slapping me round the face!

*I actually did drive a small amount in Italy. Okay, it was just around the block but it was around the block on the other side! Was quite proud of that. I’m sure Dave would have been too, had I been driving faster than 10 MPH!

𝑨 𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒈, 𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑩𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒏𝒆𝒘𝒔. 𝑾𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒔𝒑𝒂𝒎 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 - 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒙

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